It really is all about you...or how to avoid the blame game!

 "A good solution applied with vigor now is better than a perfect solution applied ten minutes later." - George Smith Patton, Jr.

When I had been a mother for about six years, I made my husband go counseling with me. 

I made an appointment with someone who had been recommended to me. 

I made him go, because I really wanted him to do more, both around the house and with the kids. 

I wanted to be able to focus more on my business and be able to work at other times than just nap times. 

​I wanted to feel like our work load was equal.

Right off the bat, she made some suggestions about getting a mother’s helper to come during the times I wanted to work.
 
Her suggestions were aimed at getting my needs met on a practical level.

I was wanting more than that.  I was wanting my husband to change.

I wasn't impressed, I didn't rebook with her.  Eventually, we tried someone else, someone at the opposite end of the spectrum.  She was on my side, she wanted to get him to change, too.  That didn't fly with my husband.  

What I finally realized is that, at the end of the day, you can only change yourself.  Your own patterns, your own beliefs, your own mindset.

 ​Anything else invites a whole lot of frustration.  Trust me on that, I don’t think you will need to go that deep to understand what I’m saying on an intellectual level.

It took me a long a long time to figure it out.  I’m not sure when I did and honestly, I have my good and bad days.  I wish I’d figured it out long before I did!

The hardest part is changing your mindset.

​It’s not a one-time deal, it takes resetting over and over.  Especially as your needs and the needs of your family change.

Finally, I did look at it differently, I decided to take care of my needs on a practical level.  

I was never great about hiring someone to watch the kids, so that I could do what I wanted to do.  I wish I'd been better about that.  As they got older, I did have a friend or two that I would trade kids with.

I did and still do find it's worth it to have someone help with the house once a week.  It prevents a few arguments.

I feel that having someone help with the house is cheaper than therapy and can take one source of perceived inequality out of the equation.

Housework, of course, goes on and on.  Another idea is having the kids take a more active role.   Sometimes it seems like it takes more work initially, but the pay-off for the family is well worth it.

I've been warning my family, that when we get home from this crazy trip, I'm going to expect a lot more of them when it comes to cooking and cleaning up after themselves.  My ten year old thinks he's a chef in the making, so I'll take advantage of that!

The second mindset change has to do with lowering expectations or perhaps letting go of the way you think things should be.

​That could mean the house isn’t quite as tidy as you would like it, it could mean that your husband buys a different brand of something at the grocery store.  It could mean that clothes aren’t folded the way you would do it. 

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It’s a work in progress, but it’s up to you to prioritize!  Below are my top ways to stop wallowing and get on with what you want to do in your life.

Decide what's most important to you.  This can be several lists.  A daily list would have what you want to accomplish on a daily basis. 

• How many hours do you work or want to work.  This obviously depends upon whether you work at home or out of the home. 
• How much time for exercise, meditation, time with friends, quality time with kids.  A more general list can be referred to to make your daily list.  It can also be referred to when you need to shift your mindset!

Schedule it! 

• Work with a daily calendar or a list that you write the day before.  You have a much higher chance of accomplishing something if it’s written down.
• I usually try to make lists and schedule time for the next week on the Friday before, then make changes or become more specific for each day the night before.

Ask for specific help from your partner, or from other support people in your life if you’re a single parent. 

• The more specific you are, the more likely you’ll get help.  This is very helpful in preventing martyrdom.
• If they're old enough, ask for help from your kids.

The clearer you are on your needs, the more help will be available.

• The clearer you are, the more likely you'll accomplish your goals.

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How have you taken charge of making sure you're getting what you need to pursue your goals?  
Please comment below!

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