Relationship problems can be made more complicated than they really are;

Relationship problems can be made more complicated than they really are....

10/3/2016

Division of Labor

I bet the subject most couples argue over is division of labor, how household chores are divided up.

My husband and I generally have a good system. For example, I do the shopping and cooking and he does the kitchen clean up. It might not seem completely fair, but I like to cook and I can make a pretty good mess.

Our home for forty days and forty nights, nicknamed the Ark.

We've had to change things up now that we’re traveling for a couple of months in a camper van.

Now it makes sense for me to do the cooking and cleaning, while he packs up the camper van. We’re just in each other’s way, if we try to help each other. It took us a little while to figure it out. I’m sure it will shift as we go.

It wasn't always so smooth...

Before my kids were school age, I became very frustrated by the perceived lack of equality in how household responsibilities were divided up between my husband and I. At some point I insisted that my husband and I see a marriage counselor.

My camp kitchen in the Daintree Rainforest.

A friend recommended someone. We went one time. She listened to me patiently, then suggested that I hire a mother’s helper a few hours a week. I was not happy with that simple suggestion. I wanted to go deeper!

I wanted her to tell my husband to "step up, do more, look within!!!"

We didn’t go back to her because I didn’t want to. We tried someone else that had been recommended. She was more my style. She was definitely on my side, she had plenty of suggestions for my husband do things differently.

Well, surprise, surprise, my darling husband didn’t want to go back to her. But I liked her and continued to see her on my own. I liked having someone to complain to.

I liked feeling like I was right and was on the moral high ground.

I don’t think it helped my relationship with my husband much.

During that time, my husband and I did find someone we both liked. It helped.

Do you know what really helped?

My yoga teacher/guru, happily married for over 25 years and father of three, was tough with me.

“Do you want to be married or do you want to be right?” Hmm, I didn’t like it, but it made me think. When I got over being irritated with my guru, I realized that the ball was in my court.

Time for me to grow up.

That was refreshing! It threw me out of the victim role in a hurry. If I could accept my husband for who he was and take charge of my own happiness, then I was in business.

No, life in a long-term relationship is rarely perfect.

But, I’m generally in a habit of making sure that my needs get met and I don’t rely on my darling to meet them. Not that he isn’t helpful, but if he wants to surf all day, then he goes with my blessings, because he has his own needs, stresses, etc. to deal with, too.

On our trip, I try and do extra at camp since my darling husband does most of the "left hand side of the road" driving.

Driver extrordinaire.

Comment below if you've made relationship problems more complicated than they needed to be and found you could solve them more easily if you just got out of your own way.

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2 Comments

Patty

10/4/2016 06:52:21 pm

I love your distillation of a complex relationship many of us attempt over years, some with success and some not so much. My partner and I have found that focusing on telling each other what are needs are when we feel frustrated or mad, and asking for support in getting those needs met, takes the charge out of an argument, or prevents one altogether. Instead of 'you said this' or 'you did/didn't do that', we say "when this happens, I need xyz."

The other person might learn something new about you and be happy to support that need, or get out of the way and support you in meeting it in your own way.

We all change every day, a little bit. It's never too late to learn something new about your partner, what they need, what they care about, or what they are good at!

Crystal Obregon link

10/7/2016 04:23:56 pm

Thank you, Patty!

You're right it's never too late to learn something new about your partner...or yourself.

Also, I may not have emphasized, that it is okay to ask for what you need. But it is your responsibility to ask, you can't just expect.

I like how you said that, Patty.

xoxo
Crystal

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